Your Funny Jewish Treyf Stories

The first post on Jewish Treyf can be found here.

appetizer bacon bread cooking
Ah yes, bacon. (Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com)

You, dear readers, seriously provided for my first post on Jewish Treyf. Not only did you provide insight and stories from the heart, but you also shared with me your funniest stories about the intersection of treyf and Judaism. I “ugly laughed” my way through all your input. And, as we would say, sharing is caring. So, from Passover-friendly shrimp to pareve butter, here are a few of your tales.

All these stories are anonymous. The writing was touched up for grammar and spelling.


Passover Delights

three cooked shrimps on can
Perfect with cocktail sauce on Passover. (Photo by Dana Tentis on Pexels.com)

“One time, I checked to make sure that some cocktail sauce did not contain any chametz [‘leavened’ goods forbidden on Passover]. Once I made sure that it did not, I then proceeded to put it on the shrimp that I was eating.”

“So, apparently, my grandmother’s specialty was Veal Parmesan with matzoh meal on Passover.”

God Created the Pig Too

Brown closed clams
Clams – forbidden to some, delicious to others. (Photo Michael Dorausch via Flicker/CC)

“In my nuclear family, I am the one who keeps kosher the most, actually. My parents and sister think I am a bit of a stick in the mud for refusing to eat pork, or meat if there is cream sauce or cheese involved. My dad always says, “God created the pig too!” To which I reply, “God created it, but not for us to eat!” We laugh about it, and he orders something with bacon.”

“When I was 5, we had to do a presentation at school about ourselves and our family. In making my poster board, one of the categories we were supposed to have was ‘favorite food.’ So, my mom, who was helping me make it, asked ‘Okay, so what’s your favorite food?’ I hesitated and said…pork. Not bacon. Not ham. Pork. The most brutal way to put it. We had pork regularly at home, and even though I have not eaten it in over a decade now, I still think of that moment. My mom reflects on how weird it was to talk about this, and my proud Jewishness, in the same presentation to a classroom full of non-Jewish kids. But yay! They were introduced to complex forms of Jewish authenticity at an early age.”

herring refrigerator at a Polish supermarket
Some rabbis eat herring like this. Some rabbis eat poutine. Some eat both. (Photo mine, January 2016.)

“My rabbi does not eat kosher either – he’s Reform. We were out for dinner with him, our shul’s student cantor, and his husband. The student cantor and I were both wearing kippot. Rabbi and I decided to split the ‘bacon-topped poutine.’ The poor waiter was like, looking back and forth from kippot to me and the rabbi, just like ‘um, you want like, all those ingredients? We have substitutes!’ My rabbi just turns to me and goes, ‘quick! Take off your yarmulke! They can’t know!’ We all just lose it while I try to explain to the poor waiter – who was just trying to be helpful! – that it is okay, thanks for his concern, we are not kosher. Please excuse my rabbi, he’s a menace to society…”

Tradition and Not-Tradition

“My mom likes to make pork loins for family gatherings, which are often Jewish ones. Nothing especially interesting or traditional about this, but I always thought it was funny. I was a little offended when my cousin wanted to make corn fritters instead of latkes one Hanukkah, though. I mean, how many times do you get to make latkes?!”

Jonathan’s note: latkes are a year-round food.

A shrimp cocktail with a lemon over lettuce
(Photo Jon Sullivan, released to public domain)

“I grew up with two sets of dishes et cetera, but we ate shellfish. We would not cook it except on the beach in the summer, and there was a designated set of a treyf pot and dishes. We also had treyf silverware for Chinese food – we would order non-kosher meat out. The logic behind the shellfish allowance? My dad loves it, and declared the ban a ‘Biblical typo.’”

Accidents Happen

“I have a hobby of shape note singing. I was road tripping through the south with a Jewish friend. We found ourselves staying with a family in Hoboken, GA who are big names in the shape note world, and very devout Primitive Baptists. They invited us to lunch, and we found out when we arrived that everything, including the veggies, was cooked in ham hocks. The two of us looked at the meal, looked at each other, then without a word served ourselves and ate it. We both decided that though neither of us ate pork, it was more important to make a genuine connection with people who we, two Northeastern Jews, would never had [encountered] outside this singing tradition. I’d do it again…[it’s] about the human connections.”

“[In Maine], the older kids (Grade 7 and up) would have religious school on Sunday nights, and we would have a dinner break. Usually, it was a cheese pizza, but sometimes the shul sprung for Chinese takeout from a treyf place. (Are you going to find a Kosher Chinese restaurant in Maine? LOL.) Anyway, they only ordered things with kosher animals – chicken dishes or vegetarian. But once, the restaurant made a mistake, and sent something with shrimp. The school director FREAKED OUT. It was kind of amazing because virtually none of the kids kept kosher in their home lives, but the synagogue couldn’t be seen furnishing little Jewish kids with treyf. It would be unthinkable!”

It’s Secretly Kosher

grilled ham
Now in a kosher edition. (Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com)

“At my parents’ wedding, on a kibbutz in the early 1960’s, two buffet tables were laid out: treyf and kosher. As the guests arrived, my mother welcomed them and showed them to the buffet tables. One friend exclaimed, on being shown the treyf table, ‘But there is schinko there, and that is kosher!’ My mother looked at her, and explained that schinko is ham, which is pork. The friend was horrified! I do not know whether said friend did or did not continue enjoying her ‘kosher’ schinko. But yes – schinko was a very commonly consumed pork meat [product] among Polish Jews.”

Jonathan’s note here: pork was widely consumed on many staunchly secular kibbutzim in Israel until quite recently.

“My Yekkishe [German] grandmother considered raw ham (Schinken) kosher, although she would not touch bacon or pork. Seafood of course is another matter…”

“We do have these lovely friends, with whom we enjoy Shabbat together.  They are probably our most religious friends. We made this funny discovery about them many years ago – when I complimented the wife on something she baked for dessert. I asked her for the recipe, and when I received it, I noticed there was a stick of butter in the recipe. So, I went back to her unwittingly, and asked her what she used to substitute the butter when she served a meat dish for Shabbat like, she had that night. I did not expect the answer: that there is no substitution. Butter is always ‘Kosher for Shabbat’ in their house, because it is delicious!”

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your stories of Jewish treyf.

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